Family Dinner

The evening sky, in a kind of benediction, smiles down over the moving body of people on Massachusetts Avenue; folks leaving work, rushing past me as I lean on a sign post outside a restaurant, waiting for my brother to arrive, and reading the news.

People make their way under bands of clouds shaded in pink and lavender against  a cornflower sky, past the row of restaurants on the avenue, dodging others doing the same in the opposite direction, children in hand, dogs and partners in tow, bikes and books carefully maneuvered,  a woman leading her blind partner, a dog tied to a sign post.

My brother arrives, tall and handsome, smiling. The sky is smiling, too.

The restaurant he has chosen is crowded with families, meeting each other or arriving together, like we are.  We sit surrounded by children and couples, sharing pad thai, yellow curry, and a dotted conversation that is broken by topic changes un-introduced by the usual explanations, punctuated and broken by remarks, observations, and stories unrelated to the current of the discussion we are having.  Interjections surface, are acknowledged, and the conversation’s current resumes as if they had never occurred.

We talk the way two people who have known each other their whole lives can, without ever having to pause and ask the other to repeat or explain.   It’s the sort of conversation a stranger would probably think made little sense.

But it is like a news report, delivered in prioritized order, to us.  Some sadness to discuss, a few stories, two accomplishments, questions and information about work and family.  Candid thoughts we can share with each other, but perhaps not very many other people, serve as punctuation.

But especially we just sit together and eat like we used to as kids, and never do anymore.   The hour, the news, the stories, the sunset, are spent.

I worry about him, as I always do after we part, fretting on the train back to Alewife.  It’s a job of big sisters, I think as I am swept along in the crowd toward the turnstiles, to worry about little brothers, even if they are all grown up.

When I emerge alone from the station the sun has set and the dark stream of the night sky has settled over Massachusetts Avenue;  the smiling sunset now gone, leaving me with a memory of it.   Like the table my little brother and I shared as kids, like our evening in Porter Square, a memory, now.  One in a long river of many.

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A Silver Lining

silver lining

A silver lining illuminated a single cloud floating in the sky above my head, noticed first by my companion as we sat basking in late day August sunlight.

It appeared quietly, a visitor I failed to notice,  hanging in the sky and listening to us as we felt our way toward each other across the landscapes of our lives; here describing verdant places, relating stories, there owning up to places withered by neglect or discord,  each describing the sort of unexpected journey that life proffers when we try to live it fully.

He was direct, self-possessed, perhaps stronger and more mature; somewhat anxious, I thought, over where our conversation was taking us.  His eyes rested on the horizon, measuring the sky.

And I was absorbed in the moment:  enjoying his handsome face, the sun, the wine, his stories, the sound of his voice …  indulging in the sum of the moment as the sun sunk in the west, washing the patio in heat and light.

Our afternoon drink ended in a lingering kiss  sweeter than I could have imagined and a parting smile that felt like warm summer rain on my legs.

A silver lining that, credit where it is due, was all his creation on the landscape.

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The Forecast

The forecast for Charlottesville was partly cloudy, with showers at noon, when we set off for Monticello.

I’ve wanted to return to the home of Thomas Jefferson for as long as I can remember, having some magical memory of a day spent exploring the estate in my father’s company as a young girl.

And so, ever faithful that providence, together with science, would support me, I set off with my family to visit the fabled estate.

There are times in your life when you must see, when you cannot help but see, your intentions and desires are not going to be satisfied.  That the fates have determined you must pursue a different course, that you must alter your plans, and accept what comes instead of what you expect or plan for.

That day, on the road to Charlottesville the sky blackened.  We drove on, checking the weather again, reassured there would be partly sunny skies and warm weather.   And yet, the skies opened in such a torrent that we couldn’t see the way forward, and the rain continued throughout the day.  In the end, we weren’t able to tour the property, the house was shrouded in a kind of gloom, and we were so soggy we could not bear to visit the museum or shop, because of the air conditioning.

So much for the forecast.

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Theology of Trust

 

Theology of Trust

When the call comes to announce a soul’s sudden departure; a child’s end

And all I can consider in the moment is

the lives of thankless, lesser mortals  extended far into old age,

The injustice of disease

man’s cruelty and indifference … these things in the landscape that never go away …

and then to close my eyes against the pain, reach out in silent prayer to

an ancient mother-father I neither know or understand, but sense

The mother-father of wishes and dreams

of birth, lovemaking, death …

why? Thank you it wasn’t my child

In this moment I feel so alone and feeble.

And then there is a quiet whisper, almost inaudible

Just against my ear or a faint humming in my mind

Reminding me that apples ripen in their time, unless they are first cut down

By drought or frost

In either case

The fates have their way.  Ripening love or stealing it from us –

All there is for us is to tend our apples and trust.

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Ripe

Grapes ripening on a little vine in the backyard hang in indiscreet bunches, decorative baubles, playful and teasing,

not plump yet, turning a sugary shade of magenta from frosted green – perky, still firm, the color of spring.

Promising.  Not the kind you want to pluck, yet.

I contemplate readiness.  And time.  Desire, Impatience, and the satisfaction of ripeness.  The kind that you’ve waited a season for.  The kind that fills your mouth with so much pleasure you forget your name

and makes you glad you waited.

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Telling Jessica

Along the river the water sparkled and grass bent in a breeze that whispered it was finally safe to tell

The Leaves leaned in, breathing in your patience, listening

There were secrets shut up tight for a long time.  The kind that I did not want to admit to myself, much less speak. Some I understood, others I didn’t.   My heart, tight for so long with the effort of concealing them, willed them out.

I wanted to clamp my hands over my mouth as the little strangers came bustling into the summer sun and stood there, looking naked and pale and staring at me queerly.

Miraculously, Jessica was calm.

The wind slipped over our skin, warmed in the summer sun, mingling quietly with the smell of fresh water and rotting leaves.  Momentary and permanent, the ritual of decay, making religion for us.

Years of friendship buoying us, we shared smaller secrets that were like wildflowers, until my own suddenly seemed to have taken on a more legitimate aspect, now with flowers woven into their hair.

Until finally, hungry and tired, we exited the forest, leaving the protection of the trees behind us.

Some sorrow had moved into the place where the tightness had been; but the door to my heart, tightly shut for so long, opens now.

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the shining pebble of desire

At first there were polite exchanges during which  I imagine – I tell myself it must be true – you thought no more of me than I did of you.

But again and still you came, seen by all, not obvious to me.

Somewhere the tide washed up further onto the shore, overtaking my knees and making me gasp and run for higher ground

It had to do with you standing closer then usual.  Your eyes probing, penetrating.  I looked up and  bit my lip and hoped

That no one had seen.  But of course they had.  the air was thick, your proximity a landmark.  And I was caught, flipping about in the receding tide.

If breath leaves me now, or if the gracious sea wells to swallow me again it is one in the same.  Every mer-maid knows that the shining pebble of desire wears no more or less than a reflection of one’s own heart.

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Confession

Collar tight, I open the door of the confessional and take the seat

Old wood with ears and breath, the floor creaking with leftover guilt

I allow the walls to close in all around and above me

Quietly listening for the presence of another in the place

I usually occupy on the other side of this porous wall

There’s no one on the other side of the grate.  No peer.

No absolution from the voyeur.

No escape for the one damned to listen.

Sweat rises on my palms when a thousand confessions, none of them mine, visit me

Whispering that all is forgiven, all is forgiven. In His Name.

And then, as in ritual, my own voice rises inside me

rejecting, as it always has, the words I’ve spoken a thousand times.

I prepare to speak. “Bless me father, for I have sinned…”

Your wish is unholy …  “My head swims with visions of profane love.”

Your craving soils and lowers you   …   “But it’s all I ever think about.”

“I firmly resolve, with the help of your grace, to sin no more…”

Liar, liar.

And then

A voice reaches through the heavy air

Just as I stand to exit the iron-barred, sensually appointed box

of my mind

Almost a whisper – May the lord be in our heart …

“…that I may make a good confession.” I finish,

before stepping out and drawing the door closed behind me.

After all, Its also said

Do not give what is holy to the dogs

Nor cast your pearls before swine.

And taking the advice of Thomas,

Bringing forth what is within me,

I step forward

Leaving my guilt laying on the floor behind me, as so many others have done

Anyway, workplace politics and confessions don’t mix.

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July 13, 2013 · 1:46 pm

the sky tonight

sunset

Bare, naked trees propose to each other against a sky on fire with color and winter wind

Alight and blazing orange at the horizon, dark trunks stretch up through a delicate soft pink into the sky

one can imagine chapped skin, an exposed breast or tender arm in  the rounded crests and limbs

swaying and moving together higher in the sky, awash in a bed of vivid, deepening purple

They seem to not notice their leafless state as they bend together, creaking and whispering, no trace of shyness

or self consciousness.

Silhouettes in love against the darkening sky.

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First Love

I once saw a blue-eyed mystery

pass by in a crowded high school hallway

smiling easily amidst a clamor of teenage boys passing in a  wave

like a piece of sea glass that washes past and disappears in the tide.

The revealing was

the sound of a voice on the telephone, his skilled hand on

a standard transmission

the close up curve of his lip when he wasn’t smiling

and the sense of distance and loss he felt for a father remarried and moved away.

Just before …  he lowered firm, full lips to mine,

breath held in an endless moment that melted into hours

and weeks, then months.  Until adulthood and independence swept it away.

It was a fast slow confused tingling first glimpse of love.

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