There sure are a lot of bumps on the road to spiritual enlightenment. Aside from all the bumps that led me to this road in the first place, that is. I think I need handlebars.
First of all, I am very bad at keeping a meditation practice. It’s not because I can’t meditate given the time. It’s because by the time I’ve come home from work and done my various chores I am ready to sleep. (Okay, I confess I did pick up a murder mystery that I couldn’t resist this week.) But generally I am quite earnestly unable to stay awake past 9 pm, which is just about the time I finish settling the kids and house.
So I’m not approaching my desired state of peaceful equanimity at the pace I would like. Still, I am making progress. This weekend was a case in point. I went to see a girlfriend on Saturday night. We had a splendid little party in her very pretty backyard, making much of her Rose and tapenade. I drank too much. That is points away from my goal if I am keeping score, which I am not, exactly, but may be informally doing, even though that is silly and not helpful. Still, I recovered myself and proceeded to avoid my usual self-depracations after a night of over-indulgence. That does not really amount to points recovered since I’m supposed to avoid alcohol if I wish to cultivate clarity. All the same, I gave myself a pat on the back for not berating myself for my immaturity for more than a moment or two.
But, in trying move beyond a morning yoga routine and some rather undisciplined efforts at self-awareness to a regular meditation practice I’ve hit a bump. From here the bump looks like a lack of time and energy resources but something tells me its more to do with my priorities. So, as I near the end of my current commute-enhancing audio book (David Copperfield which, narrated by Simon Vance is brilliant and I heartily recommend) I’ve picked up Jack Kornfield’s Buddhism for Beginners. My idea is that compassion and a disciplined state of mind pursued with dogged (if inconsistent) determination will deliver me from my usual unhappy state of crabbiness.
And we will see where this turnip truck takes me. Even if I get tossed off the back after hitting a pot-hole I’ll have arrived somewhere new, I think.
Meantime, I’m working on another story (children’s, this time) and getting some really swell feedback on The Seventh Sister, which I am very grateful for. And I will sign off to meditate (at least until I fall asleep).